Thursday, December 17, 2009

Where does Rebex get all of these classics

Q: Why did Frosty go and live in the middle
of the ocean?

A: Because snowman is an island!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Some important new jokes from Rebecca Guinness - one of rorysjokes most important contributors

Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?
A: The ultra-sound man

Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?
A: The hip-replacement guy.

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Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has
been burgled?
A: A tubby.

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Q: What is Grand Master Flash's
favourite website?
A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.

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Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr. Dre

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--------

My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.
When I was little he used to put his
hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.

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Q: How do find Will Smith when he's
lost in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

One I just made up

Why won't Tiger Woods be winning any golf tournaments in the near future?

Apparently hes really not that good at driving anymore!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?


You don't know!
Of course you don't, you weren't there man!

How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

...Five: One to do it, & 4 others to complain that it's too high

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I made this one up!!! Inspried by French Matthew

Why do French people have small fridges?

ahh - because the like to keep it Fresh!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

From Maggs Stilley!

What kind of bees make milk?

Boooooo-bees, Booooooo-beeeees!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Contribution from Fantastic and Gorgeous Fashion designer Katy Rodriguez

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

what do you call

what do you call a french man in sandals?

Philippe Philoppe!

How many feminits...

Hdoes it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Jokes from Heron White

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."



As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

From Rebe

Q: Three men in a boat have some cigarettes
but no matches. How do they light their cigarettes?
A: They throw a cigarette overboard and make the boat
a cigarette lighter.

An old lady goes to the dentist, sits on the chair,
lowers her panties and lifts her legs up.
The dentist says "I'm sorry, but I'm not a gynecologist.
The old lady says "I know, I want you to
take my husband's teeth out".

Saturday, September 19, 2009

From Rebex Guinness

Mr Duck is entertaining a prostitute in his hotel
room, when he realises he doesn't have any
protection. He phones down to reception and asks
for a condom. "Certainly, Sir", comes a reply,
"Shall I put that on your bill?"

"No!" replied the duck, "What do you think I
am, a bloody pervert?"

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Why couldn't the carrot see in the dark?

Because he wasn't a cannibal!

(made up by Patrick Moseley)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Monday, June 8, 2009

What do gay people eat?

HAAAYYYYYY!

What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan!

Did you hear about the Irishman who won the nobel prize?

He was out standing in his field!

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?

Its not like you can marmalade your dick up a girls ass!

A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar....

The barman is like 'no I'm afraid we don't serve food in here'!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

A dyslexic..

walks into a bra!

Theres a young boy......

.....walking back home from school when a car pulls up next to him and the man inside says, "hello little boy, I'll give you a sweetie if you come in my car." The boy leans in and says, "give me the whole packet and I'll cum in your mouth." !

Saturday, June 6, 2009

What do you call a man with a Spade in his head?

Doug!

(best told along with the other 'what do you call a man jokes' that are found earlier on in the blog)

xx

What do you call 2 men hanging on a window?

Kurt and Rod!

Whats another name for pickled bread?

Dill Dough!

What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty!

What does Michael Jackson have in common with caviar?

They both come on little crackers!

Whats the difference between a lorryful of marbles and a lorryful of babies?

Its not like you can empty a lorryful of marbles with a pitchfork!

What do you call an Irishman who stays out all night?

Pati'o Furniture!

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape!

A guy in a bar says....

"I could have sex with 9 out of 10 people here"

"Buy why" they ask.

"I'm a RAPIST"!

Whats blue and fucks grannies?

ME in my lucky blue suit babes!

What do you give a paedophile who has it all?

A bigger parish!

What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer?!?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no eye deer?!?

what do you call a blind deer with no penis and no legs?

Still no fucking eye deer!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Whats the difference between a Ferrair and a boner?

Ahh - I dont have a raging Ferrari right now!

(For the ladies)

Whats brown and sounds like a bell?

D - uuuuuuu - nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn - gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg !

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Today......

Police have confirmed that two Premiership
footballers have had their houses burgled
on the same night last Tuesday.

Ryan Giggs had 70 welsh caps, 11 premiership
medals, 2 champions league medals, 5 FA cup
medals, 1 league cup medal, 2 world club
cup medals, 8 charity shield medals and 1
super cup medal stolen.

Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.

Friday, May 15, 2009

What do you call a lesbian Dinasaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss!

What do you call a blind dinasaur?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

Why did the dinasaur cross the road?

Ahh - because chickens weren't invented dummy?!?

Why did the woman cross the road?

Ahh - what the flip was she doing out of the kitchen?!?!?

Friday, May 8, 2009

A seal walks into a bar...

The waiter asks him what he would like-

He says "anything but a Canadian club"!

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

The barman says to him- "God you'll never believe it but we actually have a drink named after you"

The Grasshopper is like- "what you have a drink called Bob"!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

From contributor Tennessee Thomas

there's a man driving down the freeway with a Penguin in the passenger seat, he gets pulled over by the police... (very angry) "Umm, Sir, What are you doing with this Penguin???... DO ME A FAVOUR AND TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO! NOW!!!" The Man apologizes and agrees to take him to the zoooooo....
NEXT DAY the Man and Penguin are on the road again, and again the Policeman sees them and pulls them over... "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??? I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PENGUIN TO THE ZOO!!"
To which the man responds, "YEAH!!! I TOOK HIM TO THE ZOO AND HE LIKED IT SOOOOO MUCH THAT TODAY I'M TAKING HIM TO DISNEYLAND!!!"

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Who

Who who?

Wait a second - but did you just hear an owl in here!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Boo

Boo Who?

No need to cry you flipping baby, I was only having a joke!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

9/11

9/11 who?

You said that you'd never forget!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

I smell of p

I smell of p who?

I wasn't gonna say anything but now that you mention it maybe you should try showering or something like that!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

John Doe

John Doe who?

I dunno - just any old John Doe I guess!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Kanga who?

Actually, its kangaroo by the way!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Yodalahi

Yodalahi who?

What are you some kind of country singer now!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dwayne.

Dwayne Who?

Dwayne the bathtub - I'm drowning!

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration!

Whats the best thing about having sex with 26 year olds?

There's 20 of them!

Whats the leading cause of paedophilia?

Sexy children!

An Australian is driving through the outback....

He sees someone on the side of the road and says "hey Shiela, do you fancy a fuck?"

She looks at him and says "I didn't before, but I do now you smooth talking bastard".

(important to do an Aussie accent for this one)

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

What do you call a guy with a big dick?

Phil!

What do you call 2 spanish firemen?

Jose and Hose B!

What bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die?

A woman!

Why do women get periods?

They deserve to!

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Ahhh - she's a woman!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing - you already told her twice!

Why did the lion get lost?

Because the jungle was massive!

Monday, April 13, 2009

How do you get an Irishman on the roof

Tell him that the drinks are on the house!

How does every racist joke start?

(Take a serruptitious look over your shoulder)

How do you get a tissue to dance?

Why dont you try putting a little boogie in it!

How does Snoop Dog wash his clothes

Bleeee atch!

Why does snoop Dog carry an Umbrella

For drizzle

Sunday, April 12, 2009

What has 2 thumbs and likes blowjobs?

(while giving the thumbs up) ME!

I alos find that saying 'sweet' instead of 'me' works also

Whats Black and blue and doesn't like sex?

You know that 8 year old that I have at my house!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park your car man!

Why did the lifeguard not save the hippie?

Because he was so far out!!

Why do hippes not like camping?

Because its in-tents!

Hello!

This is the second of the series of all things Rory. 'Rory's Sports' (roryssports@blogspot.com) was first, but with a little luck - 'Rory's Sports' will be great also. Maybe even there will be more of the fanchise to come, but for now enjoy.

I have a history of jokes, indeed I would say that it is almost a skill of mine. I am always on the lookout for great jokes and have the ability to memorise large numbers of jokes. Sometimes I even have been known to make up jokes of my own.

All of the jokes that are on this site will have been vetted by myself so I ensure you that they are funny. My jokes are made to be told so even though they may not read that funny - with the right delivery - they are.

Telling jokes is an art and one that needs to be practiced. Often I have gone to sleep thinking of how I can best phrase the punch line. One needs to work out what works and how to best present the joke. However it also helps to have funny jokes - and that is why Rory's jokes is here.

If one would want to get into contact with me to share any jokes or anything. Please please do - I cannot guarantee that they will get onto the blog, but if they are funny then they will. roryguinness@gmail.com

apart from that - please enjoy

Lots of Love

Rory