Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?
A: The ultra-sound man
Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?
A: The hip-replacement guy.
Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has
A: A tubby.
Q: What is Grand Master Flash's
A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.
When I was little he used to put his
hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.
Q: How do find Will Smith when he's
lost in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Q: Three men in a boat have some cigarettes
but no matches. How do they light their cigarettes?
A: They throw a cigarette overboard and make the boat
a cigarette lighter.
An old lady goes to the dentist, sits on the chair,
lowers her panties and lifts her legs up.
The dentist says "I'm sorry, but I'm not a gynecologist.
The old lady says "I know, I want you to
take my husband's teeth out".
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Mr Duck is entertaining a prostitute in his hotel
room, when he realises he doesn't have any
protection. He phones down to reception and asks
for a condom. "Certainly, Sir", comes a reply,
"Shall I put that on your bill?"
"No!" replied the duck, "What do you think I
am, a bloody pervert?"
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Police have confirmed that two Premiership
footballers have had their houses burgled
on the same night last Tuesday.
Ryan Giggs had 70 welsh caps, 11 premiership
medals, 2 champions league medals, 5 FA cup
medals, 1 league cup medal, 2 world club
cup medals, 8 charity shield medals and 1
super cup medal stolen.
Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
there's a man driving down the freeway with a Penguin in the passenger seat, he gets pulled over by the police... (very angry) "Umm, Sir, What are you doing with this Penguin???... DO ME A FAVOUR AND TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO! NOW!!!" The Man apologizes and agrees to take him to the zoooooo....
NEXT DAY the Man and Penguin are on the road again, and again the Policeman sees them and pulls them over... "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??? I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PENGUIN TO THE ZOO!!"
To which the man responds, "YEAH!!! I TOOK HIM TO THE ZOO AND HE LIKED IT SOOOOO MUCH THAT TODAY I'M TAKING HIM TO DISNEYLAND!!!"
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I have a history of jokes, indeed I would say that it is almost a skill of mine. I am always on the lookout for great jokes and have the ability to memorise large numbers of jokes. Sometimes I even have been known to make up jokes of my own.
All of the jokes that are on this site will have been vetted by myself so I ensure you that they are funny. My jokes are made to be told so even though they may not read that funny - with the right delivery - they are.
Telling jokes is an art and one that needs to be practiced. Often I have gone to sleep thinking of how I can best phrase the punch line. One needs to work out what works and how to best present the joke. However it also helps to have funny jokes - and that is why Rory's jokes is here.
If one would want to get into contact with me to share any jokes or anything. Please please do - I cannot guarantee that they will get onto the blog, but if they are funny then they will. email@example.com
apart from that - please enjoy
Lots of Love