Wednesday, April 29, 2009

From contributor Tennessee Thomas

there's a man driving down the freeway with a Penguin in the passenger seat, he gets pulled over by the police... (very angry) "Umm, Sir, What are you doing with this Penguin???... DO ME A FAVOUR AND TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO! NOW!!!" The Man apologizes and agrees to take him to the zoooooo....
NEXT DAY the Man and Penguin are on the road again, and again the Policeman sees them and pulls them over... "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??? I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PENGUIN TO THE ZOO!!"
To which the man responds, "YEAH!!! I TOOK HIM TO THE ZOO AND HE LIKED IT SOOOOO MUCH THAT TODAY I'M TAKING HIM TO DISNEYLAND!!!"

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Who

Who who?

Wait a second - but did you just hear an owl in here!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Boo

Boo Who?

No need to cry you flipping baby, I was only having a joke!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

9/11

9/11 who?

You said that you'd never forget!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

I smell of p

I smell of p who?

I wasn't gonna say anything but now that you mention it maybe you should try showering or something like that!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

John Doe

John Doe who?

I dunno - just any old John Doe I guess!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Kanga who?

Actually, its kangaroo by the way!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Yodalahi

Yodalahi who?

What are you some kind of country singer now!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dwayne.

Dwayne Who?

Dwayne the bathtub - I'm drowning!

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration!

Whats the best thing about having sex with 26 year olds?

There's 20 of them!

Whats the leading cause of paedophilia?

Sexy children!

An Australian is driving through the outback....

He sees someone on the side of the road and says "hey Shiela, do you fancy a fuck?"

She looks at him and says "I didn't before, but I do now you smooth talking bastard".

(important to do an Aussie accent for this one)

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

What do you call a guy with a big dick?

Phil!

What do you call 2 spanish firemen?

Jose and Hose B!

What bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die?

A woman!

Why do women get periods?

They deserve to!

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Ahhh - she's a woman!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing - you already told her twice!

Why did the lion get lost?

Because the jungle was massive!

Monday, April 13, 2009

How do you get an Irishman on the roof

Tell him that the drinks are on the house!

How does every racist joke start?

(Take a serruptitious look over your shoulder)

How do you get a tissue to dance?

Why dont you try putting a little boogie in it!

How does Snoop Dog wash his clothes

Bleeee atch!

Why does snoop Dog carry an Umbrella

For drizzle

Sunday, April 12, 2009

What has 2 thumbs and likes blowjobs?

(while giving the thumbs up) ME!

I alos find that saying 'sweet' instead of 'me' works also

Whats Black and blue and doesn't like sex?

You know that 8 year old that I have at my house!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park your car man!

Why did the lifeguard not save the hippie?

Because he was so far out!!

Why do hippes not like camping?

Because its in-tents!

Hello!

This is the second of the series of all things Rory. 'Rory's Sports' (roryssports@blogspot.com) was first, but with a little luck - 'Rory's Sports' will be great also. Maybe even there will be more of the fanchise to come, but for now enjoy.

I have a history of jokes, indeed I would say that it is almost a skill of mine. I am always on the lookout for great jokes and have the ability to memorise large numbers of jokes. Sometimes I even have been known to make up jokes of my own.

All of the jokes that are on this site will have been vetted by myself so I ensure you that they are funny. My jokes are made to be told so even though they may not read that funny - with the right delivery - they are.

Telling jokes is an art and one that needs to be practiced. Often I have gone to sleep thinking of how I can best phrase the punch line. One needs to work out what works and how to best present the joke. However it also helps to have funny jokes - and that is why Rory's jokes is here.

If one would want to get into contact with me to share any jokes or anything. Please please do - I cannot guarantee that they will get onto the blog, but if they are funny then they will. roryguinness@gmail.com

apart from that - please enjoy

Lots of Love

Rory