How do you fit an elephant into a safeway bag?

Take the 'S' out of 'safe' and the 'F' out of 'way'

'There is no F-in way!'

Top 10 funniest jokes according to the daily mail

10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'

4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.

3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'

2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1322475/Researchers-official-50-funniest-jokes-time.html#ixzz135AbjDC3

I'm in great mood tonight......

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

What do you do if Holland makes the world cup final?

Get off the playstation!

Did you hear the joke about the world cup?

Nuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

From Hughie Jessel also .... "Hey-

You know that I have a new dentist"-

Oh yeah

"Yeah - he is Scottish."

Really - Whats his name?

"Phil McCavity!"

From the great Hughie Jessel

What happened to the gay wizard?

He went out with a poof!

Why did the bakers hands smell of dung?

Because he kneeded a poo!

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony!

World cup tomorrow!

Q: What's the world's most dangerous ocean?
A: Hepatitis C.

Old Jokes Home 2:
Q: What's the world's most dangerous insect?
A: Hepatitis B.

More from Rebex - any other contributers pleaseeeeeeeee.

Q: What do you call a Pakistani Elvis impersonator?

A: Amal Shukup.

From Rebex Guin (prob via pop bitch the website)

Q: What's worse than a lobster on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

From the fantastic clothes designer Emms Jerome

What's do you call a guy who burns his gloves?

Crispin Glover

From the French Beest 'Davide'

Guy goes to his doctor, he is not feeling well. Doctor runs a battery of tests, reviews his history, and calls him into his office. The guy is really anxious; he says "what is it doc?" and the doctor says "I have good news and bad news...which do you want first?" The guy says "give me the bad news, let's get it over with

The doctor says "well, unfortunately you have a viral infection, it's all through your body, and in my best professional opinion I can only give you 2, maybe 3 weeks to live." All of the wind is taken out of the guy....he asks "what's the good news?" The doctor says "well, did you happen to notice my hot blonde receptionist the one with the big boobs and the great ass? and the guy starts nodding his head and saying "yeah! yeah!

and the doctor says "Well, I'm fucking her".

From Rebex

Jonathan Ross only goes to rugby matches to
play pranks on people.

He loves Twickenham.

From Alice Brinkley - created by James D'acre

How does Snoop Dog wash his car?
With his Hoes!!!

Why does snoop Dpg have 6 bottles of champagne?
For fizzle!!!

From Max Dawes (from brother of barn!)

What did Sushi A say to sushi B?

Waaaa ssah bee!!!

From George Dawes (from brother of barn!)

What did Sushi A say to sushi B?

Waaaa ssah bee!!!