Whats the difference between a woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb!

Why does Beyonce always say 'to the left, to the left'?

Black people ain't got no rights!

Whats the difference between a Ferrair and a boner?

Ahh - I dont have a raging Ferrari right now!

(For the ladies)

Whats brown and sounds like a bell?

D - uuuuuuu - nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn - gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg !

Today......

Police have confirmed that two Premiership
footballers have had their houses burgled
on the same night last Tuesday.

Ryan Giggs had 70 welsh caps, 11 premiership
medals, 2 champions league medals, 5 FA cup
medals, 1 league cup medal, 2 world club
cup medals, 8 charity shield medals and 1
super cup medal stolen.

Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.

What do you call a lesbian Dinasaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss!

What do you call a blind dinasaur?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

Why did the dinasaur cross the road?

Ahh - because chickens weren't invented dummy?!?

Why did the woman cross the road?

Ahh - what the flip was she doing out of the kitchen?!?!?

A seal walks into a bar...

The waiter asks him what he would like-

He says "anything but a Canadian club"!

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

The barman says to him- "God you'll never believe it but we actually have a drink named after you"

The Grasshopper is like- "what you have a drink called Bob"!

How come the mushroom liked to party?

I guess because he was a fun-guy!

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!

Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park?

They woke him up!

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

Nice tits!

What's the difference between Shnnon Matthews and Maddie McCann?

Maddie is fit!

I rang the hospital to enquire about the swine flu-

All I got was crackling!

What do you call a rich elf?

Welfy!

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year!